All Over The Place: Porn

Porn

I remember when I was a kid we only had one computer, the computer had to be connected to the phone line - so it was either the phone or the internet. Therefore we were only allowed to use it until 5pm. My dad use to own a restaurant (we lived above) so the whole family worked on the first floor. The only computer was on the third floor, in my brother's room. Every so often I would say I had homework to do and run upstairs to "do my homework". It was easy for me to know if someone was coming up the stairs as there was a huge door to the second floor which would squeak and thump when opened. It was these precious moments where I first began to look at gay porn.

Basically every child does it, you're never going to be able to hide your children from any form of porn so my honest opinion is for parents to talk to their children openly but don't stop them, just tell them to be responsible and all the safety issues and try to avoid the graphic stuff. I remember I got so scared that my family would find out that I resorted to opening Google and typing in what I wanted and then copying the tiny, grainy pics without selecting them - I thought as long as I didn't click on any they wouldn't find out, how wrong could I have been! However I don't think any of my family were that savvy so it probably went unnoticed. Hopefully.

I don't know when I knew I was gay, bi, whatever I am but I think I turned gay. People say it's born with you, I know they're trying to make it easier for us and honestly feel that we're normal human beings but I just find it somewhat rude when people think that, it makes it sound like a genetic disease - I personally think it's a choice that we make whether consciously or subconsciously, not something that you're born with and you're automatically different - I don't believe in that.

As a child I wasn't bound by many rules and if I was I broke most of them. It's what happens when parents are barely there to "monitor" you. I found myself inexplicably watching films with nudity, actually I think a lot of the times it was with my older brother. I knew they were naughty and hid my eyes but you know when you hide your eyes you never really do so, you kind of peak and see what's happening. Well that's what happened every time. I liked the nudity but I wasn't necessarily craving it, to me it was an art form - nothing taboo really. But one day I questioned myself "why do you never see male nudity on tv?" I wanted to know why and what it looked like so I went on the internet and you know what happened next.

But why did I get turned on? I think it was because I was tired of female nudity - honestly. It sounds weird but I honestly think so. I remember that my brother had a huge stash of FHM and Maxim magazines and I occasionally looked through them, I think because they were so easy to get hold of I lost that excitement - but because male nudity was so difficult to get hold of it was exciting, arousing and therefore erotic. This may not necessarily be why but I think it's the reason why I got attracted to it.

Besides that me and my brother were very close when I was a kid. Close enough that we'd lie on the sofa together, me leaning against his chest. I think that gave me a sense of security and warmth, though of course it didn't make me love my brother - no that would be weird - but it made me feel comfortable with men. Besides that I think I got scared of women at a young age. Somewhat a reversal of roles. My mother, though lovely as she is, had very dark problems - things that I may talk about later but not now. There were times when I was truly scared of her and at one point in my life she was in my nightmares. I love my mother but this is sadly the truth. I'm not here to make my mother sound horrendous, she wasn't, when she was "sane" she was the best mother ever but she had her moments. I think I've gone on for a bit too long...

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