All Over The Place: Memories

Showing posts with label Memories. Show all posts

First Crush

It's been a while since my last post, been quite tired with everything lately but things seem to be improving.

Remember I talked previously about a girl I had a crush on, well I think she's the only crush I've had. There have definitely been boys that I've wanted to have it on with but I think love is more than just sex, personally I think sex can be detached from love, just because you like sex with a boy doesn't mean you're gay and vice versa. I think love is deeper than that; sex is just something you share that is pleasurable. I never wished for sex with this crush of mine but I really wanted to be with her. I'm over her now but I wanted to know her then.

She was a brunette, about 2 inches shorter than me, hazel eyes and I must say she was fit. She was basically in every class I was in but we only knew and occasionally talked to each other, we weren't friends. I just remember getting extremely defensive - in my head - when somebody bad mouthed her but in a joking way. I don't think she was necessarily the prettiest girl I knew, acne did take over her most of the time but in my eyes she was the prettiest at that time. I never plucked up the courage to get closer to her because I knew it wouldn't work - we had very little in common, but it felt good to just be around her.

It's difficult to explain all these feelings and what I'm saying may sound confusing and bullshit to some but I'm being extremely honest here about everything. I don't know when I lost that crush, maybe it's because she's not in any of my classes anymore and I basically see her once a month, I don't know, but I know I'm long over her.

First Encounters

My first memory of seeing a dick in front of me was my cousins, a much older cousin. I don't know why but my cousin use to like taking my trousers off, it's weird how straight people enjoy doing seemingly queer things - I guess we're all slightly queer at heart. Even younger cousins like ganging up on me to take my trousers off - is it just me? I remember getting so angry every time that I started crying - this was when I was quite young by the way. Once I got so angry that I demanded my older cousin take his off. I remember taking me so long to get him to take his off cause he was so reluctant and wanted to leave but I insisted saying "You've seen mine so why can't I see yours". He eventually took his trousers off for about 10 seconds. That was the first time I saw another person's cock in front of me that I remembered the look of - vaguely. Don't expect it to be a Hallelujah moment, it wasn't. It was all wrinkly and shrivelled but anyway I'd seen it. I think I was kind of plotting it actually! The devil in me. I think I was about 12 then.

I definitely know I've seen other cocks before but I just don't remember anything. Like I've bathed with my brother but I just don't remember seeing his cock. I'd definitely seen nudity in front of me before that though, in the showers of the swimming pool - but most of those were old men.

I don't know why I'm typing this but the first unplanned nudity I saw was on a trip to America. We were in this hostel which had shoddy showers. There was one shower facility on the whole floor with about 3 cubicles for men. I wasn't too keen on showering there because it stank of piss and there were stains of it too - I felt dirtier after showering there! But once in the evening I popped in. It was quiet. When you opened the door there was a wall separating the toilets from the showers so you couldn't see directly into the showers when you looked in. Well when I walked towards the showers I was shocked by a guy standing there with his back towards me drying himself off. He was about my age and had a perk bubble butt that you could just grab and play with for the whole day. I was so self conscious at that moment that I'd rushed into the cubicle. Oh I wished the cubicles were full that day or instead I'd decided to brush my teeth first. If I wasn't with friends I think I may have plucked up the courage to talk to him and hopefully do more, wink wink! Those are the moments you'd wish to remember for the rest of your life I think.

Wanking Off

I don't remember if I ever got aroused from the porn at a young age but I remember vividly the first time I cummed - is that even a word! :) Remember I had this huge stash of printed porn? Well I did. This was before I had told my stupid lie and resorted to ripping up every picture and throwing them in the bin. It was a few days into moving into our new house I had hidden my stash in one of those trolley containers with my Lego and stuff. I don't know why but I had the urge to whip my stash out, climb to the top of my bunk bed and start looking at the pictures. I spent a lot of time looking at each image, just staring and thinking about each scene. By the time I was two thirds of the way through my dick felt weird, of course I was aroused. I didn't know it at that time so I continued to look through and then I came. It was possibly the most sensational experience I had in that time of my life and I was utterly perplexed about the whole situation. I didn't know what to do but wipe it off my mattress. It's weird, whilst I'd seen a lot of hard cocks by that age (in photos btw) I hadn't actually seen much cum, or at least I didn't recognise it. I tried to do the same in the following weeks but it never happened, I resorted to touching it and finally wanking my dick - so that's my first wank.

Porn

I remember when I was a kid we only had one computer, the computer had to be connected to the phone line - so it was either the phone or the internet. Therefore we were only allowed to use it until 5pm. My dad use to own a restaurant (we lived above) so the whole family worked on the first floor. The only computer was on the third floor, in my brother's room. Every so often I would say I had homework to do and run upstairs to "do my homework". It was easy for me to know if someone was coming up the stairs as there was a huge door to the second floor which would squeak and thump when opened. It was these precious moments where I first began to look at gay porn.

Basically every child does it, you're never going to be able to hide your children from any form of porn so my honest opinion is for parents to talk to their children openly but don't stop them, just tell them to be responsible and all the safety issues and try to avoid the graphic stuff. I remember I got so scared that my family would find out that I resorted to opening Google and typing in what I wanted and then copying the tiny, grainy pics without selecting them - I thought as long as I didn't click on any they wouldn't find out, how wrong could I have been! However I don't think any of my family were that savvy so it probably went unnoticed. Hopefully.

I don't know when I knew I was gay, bi, whatever I am but I think I turned gay. People say it's born with you, I know they're trying to make it easier for us and honestly feel that we're normal human beings but I just find it somewhat rude when people think that, it makes it sound like a genetic disease - I personally think it's a choice that we make whether consciously or subconsciously, not something that you're born with and you're automatically different - I don't believe in that.

As a child I wasn't bound by many rules and if I was I broke most of them. It's what happens when parents are barely there to "monitor" you. I found myself inexplicably watching films with nudity, actually I think a lot of the times it was with my older brother. I knew they were naughty and hid my eyes but you know when you hide your eyes you never really do so, you kind of peak and see what's happening. Well that's what happened every time. I liked the nudity but I wasn't necessarily craving it, to me it was an art form - nothing taboo really. But one day I questioned myself "why do you never see male nudity on tv?" I wanted to know why and what it looked like so I went on the internet and you know what happened next.

But why did I get turned on? I think it was because I was tired of female nudity - honestly. It sounds weird but I honestly think so. I remember that my brother had a huge stash of FHM and Maxim magazines and I occasionally looked through them, I think because they were so easy to get hold of I lost that excitement - but because male nudity was so difficult to get hold of it was exciting, arousing and therefore erotic. This may not necessarily be why but I think it's the reason why I got attracted to it.

Besides that me and my brother were very close when I was a kid. Close enough that we'd lie on the sofa together, me leaning against his chest. I think that gave me a sense of security and warmth, though of course it didn't make me love my brother - no that would be weird - but it made me feel comfortable with men. Besides that I think I got scared of women at a young age. Somewhat a reversal of roles. My mother, though lovely as she is, had very dark problems - things that I may talk about later but not now. There were times when I was truly scared of her and at one point in my life she was in my nightmares. I love my mother but this is sadly the truth. I'm not here to make my mother sound horrendous, she wasn't, when she was "sane" she was the best mother ever but she had her moments. I think I've gone on for a bit too long...

A Little More About Me

I'm currently a student and living with my family, my dad and my older brother. We're quite an awkward family but I guess every family is different in their own way. My brother is annoying as hell, I think he has a mental illness though, seriously, but he doesn't want to check on it. My dad is great, yes he can be annoying but I think I got the better deal when I was born. To put it simply I know I could have got a lot worse. We're like close friends but I guess not close enough as I haven't told him my secret... I'm gay! Ta Dah! Surprise!

I know that my dad will continue to love me for who I am but it'd be different, he'll feel that he has lost something - he deems not getting married and having kids before 30 as disgraceful! What will he think if he's not going to get grandchildren (well he probably will cause I plan to have children), it's not like my brother will get there anytime soon.

It's not like I plan to hide it from him forever it's just that I haven't really found the time and the courage to do so and why potentially sour our relationship. In all honesty I'm not 100% sure that I am anyway! I think I'm more bi tbh. I still like girls and had a crush on one too it's just that I lean more towards boys when I think somebody is good looking or when I look at porn - weird I've never had a crush on a guy... eeek! Yes, I may have lusted on celebrities and a few people I know but when I had a crush on that girl I was thinking "ooh what nice hair she has today", "I wish I could talk to her more" and "god I haven't seen her in ages" - but that has never happened with a guy - am I weird?

I think my brother knows anyway, he's caught me a few times looking at gay porn. OK not red handed but when I was young I was dumb enough to keep a file of pictures - how stupid was I! I remember I had this massive stash which I kept under a pile of random junk. My brother, being the nosy-ass guy he is, looked through my room - for god knows what, and found it. I remember it clearly because he left a note asking me to phone him - I was so scared and made an elaborate excuse, sounds stupid now but I think he bought it,.I said someone had randomly shoved it in my hands at school and ran away in a hurry and told me to look after it, I kept it so that I could give it back - lol. He sounded convinced but I definitely wouldn't be if I was his age and I got told that. Many years later he even told my dad once that he thought I was gay - that annoying twat - leave it to me! I managed to avoid the subject.