Showing posts with label Brother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Brother. Show all posts

Porn


I remember when I was a kid we only had one computer, the computer had to be connected to the phone line - so it was either the phone or the internet. Therefore we were only allowed to use it until 5pm. My dad use to own a restaurant (we lived above) so the whole family worked on the first floor. The only computer was on the third floor, in my brother's room. Every so often I would say I had homework to do and run upstairs to "do my homework". It was easy for me to know if someone was coming up the stairs as there was a huge door to the second floor which would squeak and thump when opened. It was these precious moments where I first began to look at gay porn.

Basically every child does it, you're never going to be able to hide your children from any form of porn so my honest opinion is for parents to talk to their children openly but don't stop them, just tell them to be responsible and all the safety issues and try to avoid the graphic stuff. I remember I got so scared that my family would find out that I resorted to opening Google and typing in what I wanted and then copying the tiny, grainy pics without selecting them - I thought as long as I didn't click on any they wouldn't find out, how wrong could I have been! However I don't think any of my family were that savvy so it probably went unnoticed. Hopefully.

I don't know when I knew I was gay, bi, whatever I am but I think I turned gay. People say it's born with you, I know they're trying to make it easier for us and honestly feel that we're normal human beings but I just find it somewhat rude when people think that, it makes it sound like a genetic disease - I personally think it's a choice that we make whether consciously or subconsciously, not something that you're born with and you're automatically different - I don't believe in that.

As a child I wasn't bound by many rules and if I was I broke most of them. It's what happens when parents are barely there to "monitor" you. I found myself inexplicably watching films with nudity, actually I think a lot of the times it was with my older brother. I knew they were naughty and hid my eyes but you know when you hide your eyes you never really do so, you kind of peak and see what's happening. Well that's what happened every time. I liked the nudity but I wasn't necessarily craving it, to me it was an art form - nothing taboo really. But one day I questioned myself "why do you never see male nudity on tv?" I wanted to know why and what it looked like so I went on the internet and you know what happened next.

But why did I get turned on? I think it was because I was tired of female nudity - honestly. It sounds weird but I honestly think so. I remember that my brother had a huge stash of FHM and Maxim magazines and I occasionally looked through them, I think because they were so easy to get hold of I lost that excitement - but because male nudity was so difficult to get hold of it was exciting, arousing and therefore erotic. This may not necessarily be why but I think it's the reason why I got attracted to it.

Besides that me and my brother were very close when I was a kid. Close enough that we'd lie on the sofa together, me leaning against his chest. I think that gave me a sense of security and warmth, though of course it didn't make me love my brother - no that would be weird - but it made me feel comfortable with men. Besides that I think I got scared of women at a young age. Somewhat a reversal of roles. My mother, though lovely as she is, had very dark problems - things that I may talk about later but not now. There were times when I was truly scared of her and at one point in my life she was in my nightmares. I love my mother but this is sadly the truth. I'm not here to make my mother sound horrendous, she wasn't, when she was "sane" she was the best mother ever but she had her moments. I think I've gone on for a bit too long...

16:07 | Labels: , , , , | 0 Comments  

A Little More About Me

I'm currently a student and living with my family, my dad and my older brother. We're quite an awkward family but I guess every family is different in their own way. My brother is annoying as hell, I think he has a mental illness though, seriously, but he doesn't want to check on it. My dad is great, yes he can be annoying but I think I got the better deal when I was born. To put it simply I know I could have got a lot worse. We're like close friends but I guess not close enough as I haven't told him my secret... I'm gay! Ta Dah! Surprise!

I know that my dad will continue to love me for who I am but it'd be different, he'll feel that he has lost something - he deems not getting married and having kids before 30 as disgraceful! What will he think if he's not going to get grandchildren (well he probably will cause I plan to have children), it's not like my brother will get there anytime soon.

It's not like I plan to hide it from him forever it's just that I haven't really found the time and the courage to do so and why potentially sour our relationship. In all honesty I'm not 100% sure that I am anyway! I think I'm more bi tbh. I still like girls and had a crush on one too it's just that I lean more towards boys when I think somebody is good looking or when I look at porn - weird I've never had a crush on a guy... eeek! Yes, I may have lusted on celebrities and a few people I know but when I had a crush on that girl I was thinking "ooh what nice hair she has today", "I wish I could talk to her more" and "god I haven't seen her in ages" - but that has never happened with a guy - am I weird?

I think my brother knows anyway, he's caught me a few times looking at gay porn. OK not red handed but when I was young I was dumb enough to keep a file of pictures - how stupid was I! I remember I had this massive stash which I kept under a pile of random junk. My brother, being the nosy-ass guy he is, looked through my room - for god knows what, and found it. I remember it clearly because he left a note asking me to phone him - I was so scared and made an elaborate excuse, sounds stupid now but I think he bought it,.I said someone had randomly shoved it in my hands at school and ran away in a hurry and told me to look after it, I kept it so that I could give it back - lol. He sounded convinced but I definitely wouldn't be if I was his age and I got told that. Many years later he even told my dad once that he thought I was gay - that annoying twat - leave it to me! I managed to avoid the subject.

01:08 | Labels: , , , , | 2 Comments  

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